There is someone sitting in that corner with earphones in his ears while the others wonder what is wrong with him. You could hear the music from the other part of the room, through the earphones while you wonder how loud the music must have been. But then you let him be because you think why even bother him.
Meanwhile, he sees a bunch of people. He is pretty much new and these people just saw him as well. He wonders how he could break the ice and introduce himself. The music is loud, but he doesn’t even know what song is playing in his ears. All the while, he is flooded with a million thoughts of how he could make himself acquainted and be part of the group, or at least try. He narrows down to a few things he could say to strike the conversation while trying to balance nervousness, the weird feeling in him and those million thoughts that keep flooding his mind. He finally makes up his mind. But by the time he makes up his mind and calms his tensed up nerves, they are nowhere to be seen. They have already moved on to the next place where they wanted to be.
Somehow he gets acquainted and he just keeps nodding and smiling. Sometimes, even tells “Yes”. Whoa. He speaks which happens to be his first in a million years. The topic change and the talking continues on amid one question of why is it that he’s still so silent but then again, they get used to the silence from that one side of the table. Perhaps he is too shy or not perhaps not comfortable.
All the while, though he is enjoying listening, he wonders what he could say to not just be that awkward silent guy. A thousand thoughts flood his mind and he doesn’t know what to say at that moment. Damn, he curses in his mind. The topic just changed and he has to do that all over again. And in that innate silence between topics, he flashes back in his timeline to see if there is anything interesting that he could share but then he realizes he kept himself away from everything that was anything interesting, all the while battling with his inhibition of what will they think?
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I don’t know how to explain. I get conscious. I get into overthinking. I get completely blank. I wish I could explain what was happening or what is so bizarrely wrong that I can’t even explain what was it that prohibits me from talking. I have tried changing, but somewhere along the way, I might have broken that piece of me. If at all I were to point at something, perhaps it all started with inferiority complex. While there were quite a few things that constituted to this, but mostly it was the appearance. While it isn’t that big of a deal, for you may be, but it was for me, a very big deal. Because for some reason, I come to believe that it was important and it was what one needed to be an acceptable part of the crowd, of the friends’ group. And it was the ideal part of being part of the group. I somehow failed to look past this and was fixated on something that I couldn’t even change or do anything about. Actually, there was something that I can do about it, something like not let it seep through my skin and haunt me, even now. While I failed to get past that, the people around me were instrumental in helping me keep it that way. And it gradually transpired in my mind and became a permanent inscription.
You see appearance has always been a factor that people take into consideration when they first meet people. But then again, accepting is one part of it which will help in a long way. Like accepting how we are. As they say, you have to love yourself first. Yeah, that…that never happened to me. And I started seeing more and more flaws and accepting wasn’t even in the cards after a certain point of time. While some argued that it is a natural process and it is all okay to be different and they added that the key ingredient was to accept it and then there will be nothing that could stop us anymore. But that door, the door of acceptance was never on my plate. I could never. And the years that followed didn’t make it any better. It was just downhill from there. A steep downhill. After years of that, here I am still the same reeling at the base of that mountain of acceptance and instead of climbing it, I am sort of digging my way down.
You will and might say that it’s not that big of a deal. It is okay to be sort of different. And it’s also okay to have inhibitions and all that I need to do move past it. Since I know what needs to be done, it will be much more easy and simpler to move ahead keeping those inhibitions at bay. But, but like I have mentioned that it had seeped into me, into my DNA that I will constantly have this over the top of my mind and will always bring this broken facade as a lazy excuse to everything. I can change, can I?
I can already hear people saying you can. If only it was as easy as saying/telling it. Because you should know that I wrote all this about me, knowing very well what needs to be done and still I am here not doing what’s necessary. So, I will leave it at that.
“Lost cause!”. Sorry what was that? Did someone say something?
Its like waiting for the bust to arrive and still miss it. Tiding over the inhibition is a mighty task for many. But better such people learn to tide it over…for their own sake.
Interesting read.
2 responses to “Inhibition”
Its like waiting for the bust to arrive and still miss it. Tiding over the inhibition is a mighty task for many. But better such people learn to tide it over…for their own sake.
Interesting read.
Exactly.
It indeed is a mighty task for many. They/We should, for our own sake. But it’s a very difficult process to say the least.
Thank you for dropping by.