I know that anger can be a very strong emotion. But what I have come to realize that there is another emotion derived out of anger, which is much more worse. The party doesn’t feeling this doesn’t really want to inflict pain, they want to see them suffer. I was casually talking to a dude and as usual exchanging the normal banter of pulling each others legs, and somewhere between the lines, I started to see the darker side. I didn’t realize there was such hatred, because if it was anything else, it would not have been that dark. And I would most definitely have discarded. I don’t take things to heart, but then again I do. In my mind and on an otherwise normal day, I would think that there is nothing that would make me hold a grudge. But then I am very much wrong a moment later when I start to remember how I would hurt people, mentally physically and whatnot. I clearly am not a saint, so I should be the one doing the preaching, at all. But that never stopped me before. 

A reply to a post I made didn’t garner much attention, like most of my photos, but I did get a snarky remark comment. I could have said equally sarcastic, but I didn’t. I knew for a fact that I would dig a hole deeper than I can climb back from. But then I should not care about what others think, but unfortunately I do. If I didn’t care for this person, I would have definitely replied back. But there was a little care. So, I held back. But that didn’t stop them. It was followed by another one. I let that one go as well. At this moment, I realized why I had blocked this person from seeing what I was posting. So, I invoked the hide feature. I have done it with other people as well. These are very select few and they are the ones who seem to be giving the sarcastic treatment. I have enough thoughts giving that already. I double – triple check and avoid posting a lot of stuff, because what are they going to say. I have never seen them appreciating though. I have considered them assaulting my uncreative mind as a compliment. I appreciate any feedback, because that lets me learn, do better. But if only that was the feedback, instead it is just sarcasm. Well, I would have to argue a bit there. Because not all is sarcasm, a lot of that is leg-pulling, but then again, it does give me an impression that I am perhaps overdoing, under-doing, why the hell am I even doing that impression. And I go off the face of social media until something whisks me back in. If you have seen my Instagram, it would quite evident with the number of posts I have. I have archived a whole bunch of the posts, because why not, I mean thanks to the constructive disguised as destructive criticism.

Motivation.
I have realized time and again, that motivation has a catalyst. I am always motivated to do something, but I don’t feel motivated enough to do it, to take the first step. I would rather pass it on to tomorrow, not realizing that tomorrow is just another spring, pushing them to a later day and the cycle, I mean the pushing continues on. I have also seen the so catalyst working. And believe me, it does do wonders. It can be anything, something someone said, or did, to something you saw, or perhaps someone. The someone factor has worked in my favour. I have done things I don’t normally do, even if I wanted to do. 

I was recently made aware that someone, I mean only one person happen to read my blog. I did wonder why was I getting an extra page view from unknown location. And I have been posting nothing other than these journal entries. So, they have been reading my embarrassing yet extremely weird posts. I have become cautious now. I had thought someone will read, but then again I was pretty sure no one was going to read. Thanks to me and my ever changing blog address and not sparing the blog, and not to mention not writing forever. I have pushed all the previous so called readers so far away that I am a distant star to them, or perhaps a black hole, that no one can possibly find. Honestly, I can’t find my own blog sometimes. It gets a lot confusing if you dig deeper into it. Long story short, no one even knows that my blog now exits, even though my subtle hints with posting on Instagram to go read my blog had never before, but what was the harm in trying. Now having an audience had it’s pros and cons. I am not saying that I am a good writer, that is further from the truth and well, fact. But I always had this feeling that I would just write one great book after another. Sigh! Such far fetched dreams that I can’t even possibly fetch. However, that didn’t stop me from writing, something else did. Now, that is a long story for sometime later. Well, actually it is a short one, but I don’t think I have the courage to write it. So, for now, it is for a later date. And if you know my finesse on procrastination, you can very well forget about that. So, like I was saying that having an audience does two things. One, it makes me conscious that someone is reading and I have be careful what I put out. Two, it does add that push to write and perhaps make it better. The latter part is still debatable and highly improbable, but what if. So, here’s to getting that dream of a book deal.

ak | x.xxiii.mmxxii