I have come to realize that it is simple and yet very hard for me is to move on. I have a weird concept related to moving on. In retrospect, I can never move on, but still move on. The only difference being the perspective I see things from. I have always had a great affinity for blocking things that doesn’t suit me. Be it people, be it things, or more importantly my goals, I have been instrumentally great at avoiding, I mean blocking them. Because that is a tomorrow problem. Time and again, I don’t seem to realize that that all tomorrows eventually catch up, and there will be only yesterdays and regrets, obviously. I have never had shortage of them. One of the reason for being so distant from people. But that is a ’tomorrow’ story. Like I was saying, I have a weird way of moving on. I don’t know about others and how they move on, or claim to move on, but I believe that memories are a funny thing. They never go, especially the ones we want to let go. Perhaps, what it really means is to not have the those memories bother anymore. That is a win in itself when perhaps the new memories overpower the old ones. The thing about the past is that it does give us a great opportunity to learn the most of it, if we are willing to learn, that is.

I, on the other hand, can never let go of things. I have a part of my mind solely reserved for things I want to forget, but I can never forget. I, then have intense cringe moments reliving those moments that I never want to remember. I have felt like writing was my escape that it was my way of getting in terms with whatever has happened, and what is yet to come. In a way, it has been a sort of escape, but more often than not, I have found myself struggling a lot more than I should be. I have written about the things that bother me, letters that were never sent, about things that I could never speak of, and a little more that never made sense. And yet, I don’t find that solace that I so long for. Perhaps, peace is not meant for everyone. I often wonder how people experience fullness, because that clearly has been an alien factor to me. Truth be told that I have never looked for it either. Now, the misconception that we get things in the most unexpected of the times sometimes gets me going. Misconception!? Yes. I would rephrase that when I am finally in the place, even if it is for a moment. 

It has been a quite a day today and I have no idea where to begin. I had a weird dream and then there were a couple things that happened that I had not anticipated. Firstly, the password feature seems to work great. I don’t have to worry about getting the “secret” content involuntarily sent to people ( I mean one person besides me of course) who happen to be be subscribing to my blog. I had thought that no one would know about my blog, besides myself trying to highlight it on my instagram. But more importantly, I was pretty sure that no one was going to care about that. There is a great feature on IG that people seem to often use for my posts specifically, skip. Nonetheless, I seem to have garnered one person to endure my torturous write ups, i.e. if the person even reads. Anyway, now that I have successfully beta-tested the password protect feature, I can post ‘erotic’ content, I mean the stuff I mentioned earlier, the unsent letters, the things that I normally would not speak about, et cetera. 

Of the many things I have been coming to realize (this seem to be my go-to opening line, sigh! I really need to learn to write), one among that is what I do when someone asks for my help. Normally, I would die (literally) before I can ask anyone for help. I have a million voices screaming in my head, about what ifs and what nots; and everything in between. Now that I know how hard it is for me to ask someone, on the flip side, I would everything in my purview to get them the help they asked for. There would be a point where I feel like I might as well do everything, because I apparently don’t want to disappoint, not one bit. But then again, more often than not, I am put in an impossible situation. I have been asked about something I don’t know one bit, but it is supposedly related. Clearly, I have no idea and the usual and the most obvious choice here is to apologize for no knowing and perhaps learn it eventually so that I would never be in such a situation ever again. But I have a weird way of dealing with this. I try to get all the relevant information as much as I possible can and then I wing it as if I know. Again, I do think only because I don’t want to disappoint and also I don’t want to give the true impression that I don’t know, which I clearly don’t. But then again if I give the impression that I don’t know, that would be the new impression. That is something I try to avoid. So, the same thing happened today, like almost every other day. I did know one percent and tried to wing it. I was glad that it landed perfectly. But what I didn’t anticipate was the follow up question. Oh bloody damn hell! I was trying to gather more information before I winged it again, but there was no direct information about it anywhere, unless one worked on it, it would be difficult to know the technical stuff which was being asked. And since winging it worked once, perhaps it might again. And boy, was I wrong! Clearly,  it didn’t. Not only did it not work, I was almost called out. Thankfully, I kind of recovered with the lamest of the excuse, but one lesson to be learnt today was not to over do. Just because it worked one, it doesn’t mean that it will work again. 

ak | x.xxxi.mmxxii