Not all we want is what we need.
I am very impulsive person. It is not unknown that I overthink a lot of things. And one of the side affect of that should have been that I over analyze things ( which I do ) and have all the options available, the good, the bad and everything in between. The later part is something I don’t do as effectively as it should be done. I am only drawn to the bad and what all could possibly go wrong. Again, this still should be good, given that I would have all the negative scenarios in my hand. Unfortunately, I do have that, but what I don’t have is the solutions. I don’t go that far in my self torture sessions where I am bombarded with million possibilities all at the same time. I reason I don’t have a solution is that I don’t want to think about that. Whatever I think, it won’t. I have this weird concept that if I think of a scenario, like any good scenario or an outcome, or  perhaps a solution to any bad scenario, it would mean that I have jinxed the possibility of having that happy ending that I had so diligently came up with. cherophobia, I guess is the word for that. 

I have made many a such blunder, but then again I brushed them off under the metaphorical rug so that they won’t haunt me along with the million other blunders. To say the least, I have never learnt my lesson and I continue to make those blunder over and over again. Recently, I was on a streak of such activities. I really think someone should probably supervise my credit card. Because it is getting out of hand, clearly. I have always like suits. I remember this one time when my dad got my brother and I a blazer from one of his business trips. At that time, blazers were not something that people wore to school. The school had a specific dress code and the blazer was clearly not in that. If they wanted to include that, they would have probably sold it separately generating another revenue stream, as if the existing revenue streams were not sufficient enough. I think I remember wearing it to school once or twice, but then I might have stopped wearing because my ugly ass face was trying to hit more than what I had bargained for. I guess someone made a few comments about but long story short, I didn’t wear it as often as I should have. So, it was just at home, resting in the cupboard. Even when I outgrew the blazer, I tried to fit in it trying to get some photos for Orkut, one of the most popular social media at that time. Long story short, I always liked the blazers, the sports jacket suit kind. I never had the chance to get one later. Well, actually there was this one time. 

One of my cousin was getting married and my younger brothers were wearing a wedding suit and for some reason I was not informed. In my mind, I thought of getting one irrespective and I could wear it on other occasions if any. But I didn’t get, perhaps because it was sorts pricey and there was not an actual need for it. No one at work was wearing and there was no explicit need for that be worn, unless I was trying to show off whatever little I could. I did end up wearing a tie to the wedding, not the actual formal wedding attire I had in mind, but it was close. And when I saw other people in suits, I did feel like I should have gotten one, just one for wedding occasions. Later on, I did get a few given the wedding prospects and that a formal photo is sort of required to get proper suitors apparently. But they were clearly oversized and I didn’t complain, because that meant that the other people would obviously come to a conclusion that this guy had no proper dressing sense, and won’t be interested. But I had made a resolution in my head that I would get in a proper shape, the one I had always wanted and get the suits altered for a perfect fit. That resolution had been a thing of the past, never to be brought up ever again. 

After two years of lockdown and getting exponential weight, and growing out of all the formal attires that I have had, when they opened office and were allowing people to go back to office, I jumped on the opportunity to get some new clothes. I spent more on clothes in the last few months than I might have spent in my entire working life. I was not satisfied just there, I needed a suit that I could probably wear for formal gatherings, which did happen and I almost ended up wearing hoodie. I knew that getting a suit meant that I needed to get in shape. But then again, I seemed to desperately want one. I didn’t need it, I just wanted one. I did buy one which turned out to be a size extra. I am almost on the verge of getting a sewing machine and resizing it, as if I knew how to do that. Though, I didn’t do that, what I did was the next worst thing. I saw that there was an offer and unfortunately there was not a size lesser available, but it was a different colour, so obviously I bought that one. I am thinking I should be able to get it resized. Now what I had two suits that are a little oversized, I should have learnt my lesson and stopped there. No, I then got another one but now a size less. And guess what this was a but tighter. I can resize the loose one, but I possibly can’t resize he tighter one. It did look good though if I avoided buttoning it up and also if I sucked in. And for reason, I decided to get another suit. Seriously, someone take my credit card away. And as if these expenses were not enough, I then suddenly wanted a playstation. I had been meaning to get one for along time, but they have been out of stock for over a year and people were reselling them at a higher price. So, I  thought I lost interest in it and was waiting for it to be available at a normal price. But it never seemed to be happening. Again, I didn’t need that, I just wanted wanted it. And guess what, I got one just today, obviously at a higher price. Guess what I had been all day today instead of working.

ak | x.xiv.mmxxii