To be or not to be.
Whenever I feel like I am taking one step ahead, I involuntarily seem to take a few steps back. Call it circumstance or my own doing, but I have been pushing myself back. I sort of challenged myself to write almost everyday, even if it is a word, I would still be okay with that, but in my mind I needed to write atleast a thousand words. This is not a big deal, given than when I write I do get into more nonsense than what I actually wanted to write. About that, I seem to have this conception that if I exhaust all the good topics / things to write about, I might be left with nothing to write about later, say tomorrow. I seem to forget one simple thing all the time that I never had anything interesting to write about, I wrote knowing not what I was writing for. I know that writing is for myself, but it wouldn’t hurt if this generated some money that I didn’t have to constantly thinking about cracking some algorithm and get loads of money out of it, not that I ever worked on any algorithm to start off with. But that was a thought.
I recently was talking to a cousin of mine who apparently is not yet on social media, which is a surprise given that even the 1 year olds now have instagram and all the photos that their parents post trying to showoff or make others jealous or for their own benefit, whatever may be the reason, this was indeed a surprise. Perhaps, there is a secret account like many others, including me. The problem with me having a secret account is that I can’t seem to handle that. I am unable to handle one account that I have in my possession, and as if that was not enough I have another account trying to get more niche people. But then again, I kind of messed it up and now I have multiple accounts and not much activity being done on that. Long story short, when I was talking to my cousin, I was made aware that there might be another budding writer. Now, don’t think I was the first one. I know another cousin, who kind of blew my mind with the writing skills, the vocabulary and whatnot was just anther level I could never ever reach. It’s not like I didn’t try, I just couldn’t get that level. And then I read what my younger cousin wrote. And whoa!
It was abstract and also, very well written. I started to wonder how they came up with the content which was very raw, very abstract and not to mention, very well articulated. I can’t even seem to write even one sentence properly after her ten years of writing. I guess some do have their own talent and it comes whenever it is found. While that may be the case, I am here trying to articulate what I want to write, in a much proper way that it makes sense for me, and at the same time would connect with other people. I had so many book deals in my mind, but the reality is way further from the truth. Perhaps, it could still be possible in some version of the future. We don’t seem to realize that we can etch the future we want now rather an a five years from now wondering what if I had done when I was contemplating it and that could very well be today. More often than not, we don’t seem to realize the presence of now. We only think about those moment in the future as a segment in the past when we could have done things differently. I have so many of those moments.
One moment I clearly remember a couple of years ago when I decided to write about what was happening at the time and how I overcame that situation. And that overcoming the situation was going to be something that people could relate to. I had this concept to write as soon as I had a job, and the inception of this thought was when I was in college and wondered if ever I could get a job, I would think that I had accomplished a lot more than I had bargained for. But as you might has suspected, life happened. No, I know that’s not what you have suspected. I had got more and more excuses. I am running away from things that matter and hiding behind excuses, all the while having one singular misconception of life and I have it under control. And if (my)history had taught be anything, it is one simple thing that my life is anything but in control and its going on autopilot mode, going with the flow of the stream and any obstructions are just speed bumps which I seem to be avoiding. The only problem being I am supposed to be on the road while I am in the water which is only getting deeper with each turn. Perhaps, there is a day when the tables would turn, and if that ever happens, I will definitely write about it in my first ever book. Watch out.
x.xii.mmxxii
